Choosing Solo Motherhood at 31

At the age of 31, Nicole finds herself in a similar situation. “I realized that starting younger would increase my chances,” she shared. “I've dreamed of being a mother since childhood. Coming from a family with four kids, I always assumed I would have a similar experience. The plan was to date in my teens, travel in my early 20s, marry in my late 20s, and enjoy a family of four—living the American dream.”

“I spent most of my life looking for a husband. I tried everything: dating apps, bars, clubs, classes, blind dates, and even online dating abroad. Nothing worked.”

“By the time my 20s ended, I declared, ‘I’m done.’ If I had to choose between being a wife or a mother, I would choose to be a mother. Maybe a partner would come later, but I was ready to pursue motherhood now through IUIs.”

“That's the new Disney fairytale,” she joked. “I’m just waiting for that movie to be made,” Nicole replied with a grin.

Just a month ago, on March 12th, Nicole welcomed her son, Brisbane, named after the Australian city where she embraced her decision to become a solo mom. It was in this city that she felt she truly discovered her identity.

One of Nicole's most cherished memories as a new mother is the moment after her C-section. “The shield was up during surgery, but when they lowered it, I saw him for the first time. He was crying from the bright lights and noise. I reached out to touch his tiny hand, and he stopped crying. It was such a magical moment—like we recognized each other.”

A 12-Pound Surprise

Even in the most enchanting tales, unexpected twists occur. Brisbane’s arrival was a testament to that. Nicole intended to have a natural birth, utilizing midwives and aiming for a serene birthing center experience.

However, Brisbane had other plans. Nicole's water broke in the middle of the night, and although she went to the birthing center, she stalled at four centimeters for hours. The pain became unbearable, prompting a transfer to the hospital, where progress remained elusive. Ultimately, she underwent an emergency C-section, revealing a shocking surprise.

“He was lifted out of me in the OR, and everyone gasped,” Nicole recalled. Brisbane weighed 12.6 pounds. “I was told later that attempting a delivery could have been very dangerous for both of us.”

Finding the Magic Again

Nicole expressed her initial disappointment: “I had to donate all my newborn diapers and onesies.” She explained, “The first week was tough; I mourned the loss of what I envisioned. Instead, I experienced a ‘TV birth.’ I had hoped for a peaceful setting with a tub, candles, and music. But now, I realize there’s still magic—it’s just different. He’s healthy, and I am grateful for that.”

It’s in the Smile

When asked how she selected a donor, Nicole shared her perspective: “I prioritized finding a donor with a relaxed demeanor and a genuine smile. I believe that positivity is hereditary. I wanted happy genes for my child.”

Nicole chose Northwest Cryobank, which offered similar options to Seattle but at a more affordable price. She opted for an anonymous donor.

Building a Village

Living with her parents has been a blessing for Nicole. She knew her mother would be supportive, eager for grandchildren. Despite having four children herself, Nicole was the only one interested in motherhood, much to her mother’s delight.

Nicole was initially anxious about her father’s reaction. Given her back issues and reliance on a cane, she thought he might worry about her ability to handle pregnancy and motherhood. However, when she shared her plans, he too was overjoyed.

There are Always Challenges

Breastfeeding has proven to be the biggest hurdle for Nicole. “That was the one aspect of my plan I clung to. In the hospital, they forced him to latch while he was asleep, and by the time we got home, he was unwilling. He developed jaundice, which made him lethargic and reluctant to latch.”

“A week later, he still wouldn’t latch, and I found myself pumping to provide him with breast milk. It’s been incredibly challenging.”

Colic has presented another difficulty. “People say babies cry for various reasons, and it’s normal, but in the middle of the night, when your child is screaming, it’s hard not to feel like a failure. I remind myself that I’m doing my best—holding him, loving him, and that’s what matters.”

You Don’t Have to be Perfect to be a Mom

When intentionally planning to bring a child into the world, there's a natural desire for everything to be perfect. Yet, the truth is, there’s rarely a flawless time to welcome a child. We all strive to do our best.

Nicole has faced her share of obstacles. She is a survivor of sexual abuse, which has influenced her journey to motherhood. “Many women considering becoming a solo mom may hesitate due to past trauma. I want to show that it’s possible to overcome those histories and embrace motherhood.”

She has a condition called anterior pelvic tilt, which causes discomfort when standing or walking for long periods. Remarkably, her pregnancy alleviated her back pain. She now manages well with Brisbane, refusing to let her disability hinder her dreams of motherhood.

Nicole also discussed her weight. “I live in a larger body, and there’s an assumption that weight issues prevent conception. But many factors contribute to fertility. It pains me to see women told they must lose weight to discuss IUI or IVF.”

“Society may label me as overweight, but it didn’t impede my ability to conceive. I educated myself, built a support network, and loved someone who didn’t yet exist.”

Big Plans for the Future

While Nicole’s initial goal of having four children may not be feasible, she aspires to have two. “I hope to evaluate my finances around this time next year and see if I’m ready to try for a second by the end of 2023.”

Traveling with Brisbane is also on her agenda. As a remote transcriber for the deaf and hard of hearing, her work allows her to travel and earn a living simultaneously. “I paused my travels to have children, but once he’s old enough, I want to explore the US and eventually take him overseas.”

What it’s all about

Nicole’s journey reflects her deep desire for motherhood and the lengths she went to achieve it. Brisbane is profoundly loved, and despite the challenges, he represents her fairy tale ending.

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