Chapter 1: Understanding the Dilemma

Making the choice to bring a loved one home for care is challenging. Here are three critical considerations to keep in mind.

Life is unpredictable, as illustrated by my relationship with Tom. I first met him when I was a young law clerk at 24, and he was the experienced head of litigation at 42. Fast forward to a moment decades later when I held his hand as he passed away at 75. This stark contrast in ages is a poignant reminder of the journey we shared, from mentors to close companions.

When Tom suffered a stroke following a dinner with friends, my extensive knowledge of him helped guide my next steps. The initial outlook from neurologists was bleak after reviewing his MRI, which revealed a significant area of damage in his right hemisphere. They warned me he might never regain basic functions like breathing or speaking independently.

While I’m not a medical expert, my own near-death experience and years of navigating health issues taught me that recovery is rarely straightforward. Tom had a remarkable background, having qualified for a Green Beret at just 18, a testament to his resilience and strength.

When his condition worsened, I made a pivotal decision to ensure he had the best chance of recovery. I consented to a procedure that involved removing part of his skull to relieve pressure on his brain, placing him in a medically induced coma during the recovery process.

As I awaited his awakening, I documented every detail in my journal and delved into research on right-brain strokes. A couple of weeks later, when he finally spoke the word "Rachel" in response to a therapist’s prompt, it was a significant moment that brought tears to my eyes. From that point, I was determined to bring him home.

Chapter 2: Creating a Suitable Environment

I was fortunate to have a house that could accommodate Tom’s needs, as we had just considered purchasing a new place with accessible features. His three-story townhouse had a layout that allowed me to transform it into a makeshift nursing facility.

By placing him on the first floor, close to the living areas, I ensured he was part of daily life, which helped maintain his mental engagement. Although he was paralyzed on one side and required a Hoyer lift for mobility, I managed to find a specialized bed online that greatly improved his comfort.

I welcomed him home on August 1, 2018, and over the next two years, he surprisingly avoided hospitalization, aside from regular visits to his pain management clinic.

However, the pandemic drastically increased the cost of medical supplies, leading to a substantial rise in monthly expenses. I faced financial strain when unexpected losses hit my investment portfolio, prompting me to reconsider the sustainability of his care.

Chapter 3: Assessing Financial and Emotional Costs

Tom’s financial situation was relatively stable, allowing me to invest in his care without hesitation. However, the escalating costs of at-home care made me reflect on whether this was viable in the long term. The strains of caregiving took a toll on my mental health, leading me to question my ability to maintain this commitment.

I immersed myself in his care, attending rehab sessions and finding creative ways to engage him. Yet, the scrutiny from Tom’s family added another layer of stress. They were eager for any sign of failure on my part, which heightened my protective instincts.

Despite my efforts, the pressure eventually became overwhelming. After Tom developed a severe infection, I chose to place him back in a nursing home, opting for hospice care to ensure he passed peacefully.

The takeaway from this experience is significant. When a loved one faces a serious illness, your instinct may be to care for them yourself, and sometimes that is indeed the best option. However, the emotional, logistical, and financial implications must be carefully weighed before making such a life-altering decision.

Caring for someone at home is a monumental commitment that transforms your life entirely. Even if the financial means are available, consider the emotional costs as well.

Remember, there’s no shame in seeking professional care, and it may ultimately be the best choice for everyone involved.

So as you navigate this journey, take a moment to appreciate your loved ones, and don’t forget to express your love to someone special.