Chapter 1: The Nightclub Experience

The vibrant beats and flickering lights set a euphoric scene, yet the crowd relentlessly sought to heighten their experiences further. They consumed substances to elevate their heart rates and boost their dopamine levels—alcohol being the primary escape from their troubles.

I was no exception. Having worked various roles in a nightclub, from bouncer to manager, bartending proved to be the most perilous. I was never the sober partygoer, and while on duty, that tendency intensified.

I drank nightly while working. In establishments that prohibited bartenders from consuming alcohol, I devised clever ways to sneak drinks. I would fill water bottles with liquor or keep an empty glass on standby in the sink, ready to "spill" a drink I could instead pour into it. Such was my commitment.

For me, bartending lost its appeal without the thrill of partying alongside the guests. Many nights ended with me regretting my choices, facing consequences like reprimands or embarrassing episodes. One evening, after a particularly wild night, my manager accused me of drug use and suspended me. On another occasion, my partner and I indulged in ketamine without anyone batting an eye.

Ironically, it was an alcohol-dependent general manager who would ultimately alter the course of my life.

Roy, my former manager, was a tall, impeccably dressed British man with a gentle demeanor. Our mutual interest in martial arts fostered a connection. Everyone adored Roy, but as the night wore on, his demeanor shifted from cheerful to disorderly, often clashing with the staff.

One fateful night, Roy assigned me to work with Maria, a bartender I hadn't met before. Initially, there was no chemistry, but as we conversed, we discovered shared interests, igniting a spark between us.

At this club, drinking was permitted, and Roy was often too inebriated to notice. Maria and I poured each other shots of Corazon tequila throughout the night, celebrating random moments and customers. We navigated orders with speed, often spilling more than we served. Every twenty minutes, it was time for another round.

Our bond blossomed over those tequila shots. Alcohol became the backdrop of our relationship, continuing even after we married. We enjoyed daily wine rituals and alcohol-infused brunches, with margaritas and Bloody Marys as staples. Running low on red wine felt like a crisis.

Without the club's ambiance, the buzz from alcohol became less enjoyable, and reality began to creep in. We started questioning whether life could be enjoyable without drinking and if our relationship could endure sobriety.

Eventually, Maria and I tied the knot, thanks to that chance encounter behind the bar, which eventually led to the birth of our wonderful daughter. I often ponder whether our connection would have flourished without the influence of Corazon tequila.

Our marriage eventually ended, though not due to alcohol. We both recognized a need to cut back on drinking. I transitioned from frequent consumption to indulging only occasionally. Now, hangovers hit harder, and even a small amount can leave me feeling unwell.

Reflecting on my past, I remember how I would down vodka in a water bottle on my way to work, craving that immediate buzz. Alcohol helped me navigate my shyness and insecurities. Would I have opened up to my ex-wife without it? Would she have let her guard down?

I've witnessed the devastation alcohol can cause. My uncle was a non-functioning alcoholic, living in a makeshift space in our building. My father, the superintendent, created a sleeping area for him in a room riddled with pests.

My uncle's addiction consumed him, leaving his life in ruins, while my relationship with alcohol was paradoxical; it initially served a purpose. Without it, I might not have my daughter. However, as time went on, drinking lost its usefulness and began to negatively impact me, especially with the hangovers.

I can still enjoy a few drinks with friends but no longer have the desire to party as I once did. Thankfully, my first girlfriend post-marriage didn't drink, which eased my transition to sobriety.

I often wonder if I could return to bartending without succumbing to the urge to drink. Would the nightlife draw me back in, or would the dread of hangovers keep me sober? Am I now confident enough not to rely on alcohol for courage? Have I truly addressed the reasons for my past excesses?

After much introspection, I've come to terms with my past behaviors. I now understand that I was attempting to escape my lack of self-confidence through alcohol. While I may not feel markedly more self-assured today, I no longer mask my insecurities with drinking.

This sometimes leads to discomfort in social settings or an early exit from gatherings, but that’s perfectly fine. I've celebrated enough for several lifetimes, and my daughter is my greatest reward.

Chapter 2: The Influence of Music and Reflection

The world of music intersects with the themes of love and alcohol, shedding light on our experiences and emotions.

Greet Death's "Your Love Is Alcohol" explores the deep connection between love and substance use, resonating with those who've faced similar struggles.

Post Malone's "Love Hate Letter to Alcohol" captures the complexity of our relationships with drinking, reflecting on the duality of affection and regret.