Understanding the Dating Dilemma

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I'm a 24-year-old guy who is still a virgin and currently finishing my last year at university. I've been following your advice for a while and found it helpful, but I still have some lingering questions regarding my dating life.

I approach women I find attractive without hesitation, even though I often face rejection, which I consider part of the dating game. I typically avoid online dating since it hasn’t yielded any positive results for me. Instead, I prefer to meet women through social gatherings or mutual friends.

What perplexes me is when I encounter women who initially seem interested but later express a desire to just be friends. When I ask for clarification, I usually receive vague responses like "I'm just not feeling it" or "I don't want a relationship right now." Most of my interactions last only 2-3 weeks. I had a brief on-and-off relationship with a girl I genuinely liked, but ultimately, I felt manipulated by her awareness of my feelings, which led me to end things.

I've also experienced ghosting from women I thought I connected with. Whenever I consult my friends about it, they assure me that I did nothing wrong and suggest that I simply haven't met the right person yet. However, I can't help but compare myself to my friends who are enjoying fulfilling relationships while I'm struggling to even initiate one.

So, my question is: what can I do in my situation?

Clueless in College

You're definitely not alone in your confusion, CIC. Many people, when asked about their dating success, can't pinpoint exactly how they achieved it. They might offer guesses, but often their answer is, "I don't know, it just seems to work for me."

This lack of clarity doesn't imply that they're less capable; it just indicates that they haven't critically examined their own dating practices. For many, it's as simple as trying something that worked and sticking with it.

However, the frustrating reality is that dating is often about compatibility, and many people may not align with what you need for a successful relationship. It’s possible to experience prolonged periods of bad luck without it being anyone's fault.

While I can't closely observe your interactions, I suspect that you might be too fixated on achieving a particular outcome in dating rather than fostering a genuine connection. You seem to be focused on finding a girlfriend rather than cultivating a meaningful relationship with someone specific. This could be causing you to overlook important aspects of your interactions.

Two points from your letter stand out. First, when you mention not receiving clear reasons for why women don't want to pursue a relationship, it suggests a lack of chemistry, either physically or emotionally. Sometimes, there just isn’t a spark, and that's perfectly normal—dating is a numbers game, after all.

Secondly, your experience with the girl you liked, where you felt compelled to hold on, highlights another issue: you might be compromising your boundaries because you're overly focused on achieving a relationship. This can lead to accepting treatment that you don't deserve and can ultimately harm your self-esteem.

When people become fixated on a specific goal, they often adopt a "do anything to make this happen" mentality. This leads to sacrificing their own needs and boundaries out of fear that any pushback could jeopardize the relationship.

The key takeaway is that strong boundaries actually enhance your dating prospects. They help you avoid wasting time on people who don’t respect you. Standing up for yourself and being willing to walk away from bad situations not only protects you but also makes you more attractive to others. Confidence—expressing that you'd rather be single for the right reasons than in a bad relationship—reflects positively in all areas of your life.

No one worth dating wants a pushover. They seek partners who are assertive and secure in themselves. It’s equally important to communicate your interests clearly. If you don't show that you're interested in something more than friendship, the other person may assume you're not.

Remember that taking risks is part of dating. Rejection is not inherently negative; it’s a way to filter out incompatible matches. By narrowing your options, you save time for those who are a better fit for you.

As you move forward, be open to putting yourself out there while remaining discerning about who you date. Show interest and take chances, but also be prepared to step back if necessary. Analyze your experiences without emotion, learn from them, and adjust your approach accordingly. Remember, progress often comes through a series of mistakes that bring you closer to your ultimate goal.

Best of luck to you!

Chapter 2: Communicating Effectively in Relationships